


Bi Boy

by ahappyphil



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-07 04:14:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26346922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ahappyphil/pseuds/ahappyphil
Summary: Phil comes out to Dan
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 39
Kudos: 145





	Bi Boy

**Author's Note:**

> This came from a rant about the internalized homophobia that came from internet culture in the 00's that was toxic and unfair to both bisexuals and gay people. Certainly not meant to be fact or indicative of my beliefs!

Phil doesn’t know if he believes in heaven, but if there is one it can’t possibly come close to the bone deep comfort of a belly full of pizza, season two of Buffy on his laptop, and Dan koala cuddled to his side in bed. 

His brain isn’t even producing the constant undercurrent of anxiety that flows through his body even on the best of days. There’s only contentment. 

That is until they get to the part of the episode where Buffy is walking seductively towards the camera, naked except for a latex trench coat, and he’s already anticipating the joke Dan is about to make with a tiny nudge to his shoulder. 

“How many times have you wanked to this bit, Philly?” 

There it is. 

The twisty gurgle in his stomach and the thrumming of his heart that make an appearance when he’s reminded of one of the few secrets he still has with Dan. Well, with everyone really. 

It happens when a subscriber sees them on the street in Manchester and maybe she looks at Phil a little too long, is a little too friendly when she wraps her hand around his waist for a picture. Dan makes a passively jealous comment about “competition” as they walk away and it would make both of their lives easier if Phil could just tell him how he _really_ doesn’t need to worry about that. 

It happens when his friends joke about the ‘groupies’ on twitter who all but throw themselves at him, sending pictures and showing off bits that he well and truly has no interest in. 

Not that anyone would know any different.

The thing is, coming out was hard enough. Admitting he liked guys to his friends was already the most exposed he’d ever felt. The least he could do to protect himself was not elaborating on the specifics. 

He calls himself bi online because it feels safer. Like a half truth that’s easier to swallow. For others or himself, he’s not sure. 

Bi means less questions. Bi means he doesn’t have to face the squirmy feeling that comes with not responding to an objectively hot girl on screen like he knows he’s supposed to. 

It means justifying the disinterest he felt when his high school girlfriend would slip her tongue into his mouth. How surely the reason he didn’t even get hard when she kissed his neck was because she just wasn’t ‘the one’. He likes to pretend the tears that fell when things ended a week later were from missing her, not the heartbreak of realizing he’ll never get to be normal. 

He likes blokes and kisses blokes and the rest...is irrelevant. It doesn’t matter. Especially now. He’s found his person and it’s only been a couple months, but this is it. Dan is it. He’s in love with a boy and it shouldn't matter that he never even felt something close to this with a girl. 

He doesn’t want to hide this from Dan. He wants to tell Dan everything. Phil would open up his heart and let him walk around it like a museum if he could. Let him explore every crevice and hidden room full of secrets until he had him memorized.

It’s not technically a lie. He’s told Dan he doesn’t like to label himself. They’ve traded stories and experiences. Surely Dan’s picked up that none of his uni tales involved a girl. Surely he understands that when Phil said Buffy was his everything as a teenager, he doesn’t mean _like that_. 

The burning in his cheeks only intensifies as he maneuvers his arm out from under Dan to hit pause on his laptop. He sits up on the bed and covers his face with his hands for a second, silently praying Dan will let him collect his thoughts before he asks what the fuck is going on.

He does. He’s quiet save for the sound of shuffling shifting pillows so he can sit up too. 

When Phil finally finds the courage to drop his arms, he’s there. Patiently waiting for an answer with nothing but concern etched in his face. 

That somehow makes it worse. 

“Dan.”

He hates how shaky his voice comes out. He hates the way he sounds so small. Like he’s a child being caught. Like Dan will tell him he’s wrong or creepy; that he can’t believe he lied or how he can’t be with one of those ‘full on’ gays. 

He especially hates the way Dan looks like he’s also on the verge of tears already when he whispers “Please tell me what’s going on.” 

“I don’t like that. I mean. I’ve never done _that_ to her.” He motions to the frozen shot of Sarah Michelle Gellar’s exposed thigh hovering over Xander. “It’s not like that...for me.”

Dan looks at the screen and then back to Phil, clearly waiting for more. “Okay?”

“I like guys.” He meets Dan’s eyes, hoping he’ll read between the lines without having to say the words. He’s never been good with those. “Just guys.”

“So you’re…” 

He drops his eyes away from Dan as he nods “Gay. Yeah.” 

There’s a part of him that wants to apologize, though he’s not sure what for. For not being like Dan, for not being what he thought. For letting down all the out gay people he’s met by acting like he should be ashamed in the first place.

He doesn’t expect the fit of giggles Dan lets out as he says “Is that all?” 

There’s a shove to his side and suddenly two large hands cradling his face with more care than he’d ever thought possible. 

“Phil, are you seriously upset? I don’t care!” 

He grabs Dan’s knee because there just needs to be more parts of them touching right now. He should have done this fully laying on top of him. 

“I dunno. I didn’t want you to be mad that I’m not like you.”

“Phil, I...I don’t even think I know what I am. Not really. But it doesn’t matter.” Dan’s thumb is running up and down his cheek. “As long as you still like me.” 

Seeing his smile, the one that shows his dimples and makes Phil lose all rational thought, does in fact drive him to change their position so he can be held properly.

“I love you.” He does. He loves this boy with his entire being. 

“Love you too, idiot.” 

Dan wraps his arms around him and he’s back to that feeling again. Contentment. With just a touch of freedom. 

“So how much did you wank to Spike?”

“You don’t wanna know.”

**Author's Note:**

> Reblog [here](https://ahappydnp.tumblr.com/post/628636057305563136/bi-boy-g-11k-summary-phil-comes-out-to-dan) :)


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